What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 02:37
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She loved him until the end.
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I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I think the readers, may guess!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was very sick at this time too.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was 9 years of age.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Overthinking is killing me day-by-day. What should I do?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Which country has the best and strictest legal system in the world?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was scared of men, in general
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Would this be the day?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Put me off passion for life!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Who then, do I blame.?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One cannot live in the past .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She married twice! .
I could never make a relationship work though!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
We all went to grammer schools
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was seconnd youngest,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But it wasn’t much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He knew the spot.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
What did i know ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I waited trembling.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were not on the streets..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Comes on , in middle age.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I don,t even have a pension.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
So, i spoilt her more .
It was going to be , some day.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was in good health!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I said to her
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Ive learnt so much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But, we were locked up after school.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is soul school!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im still living with it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And i lived it daily.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She wouldn,t have been !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I write beautiful poetry .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I will be 64.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Was to survive, this bastard.
She found it foreign!.
So whats the point in blame.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
All the time i was locked up.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,